I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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