There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
