I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
