he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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