you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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