Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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