She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is Oprah even human
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
