he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
