She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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