Please don't use social media to get back at me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize