I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize