i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
