So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry about my life...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
