i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
