i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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