I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
