It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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