good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
