was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
