4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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