Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
