Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
