Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
