my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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