a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
