C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
