does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
false alarm, still single
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