wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
