Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How external is "for external use only"?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize