Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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