life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
BRING THE BAGELS
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
