my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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