He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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