I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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