Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
