How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
