What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
