I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
