we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
