New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
