Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
