How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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