dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
