broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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