I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
