the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
