You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
