i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
