i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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