tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
