i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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