Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
