Someone shit on the floor
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
