I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
