Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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