my mouth tastes like poor choices
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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