dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
