if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
