is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
