I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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