my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
