I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
