he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can I color on your dick again?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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