Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
