I wish they made helmets for livers.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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