So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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